Jack Part 6

Jack's mind was fogging over despite the sudden shock of the heat. It was not comfortable in the way that the alcohol was comfortable. The haze was like a pair of blinders, only it kept him from keeping focus off those things that bothered him most. Around him the world seemed suddenly very empty, the cactus far apart, and the heat of the sand flat and without definition. His mouth was dry, but more than anything there was a weight behind his eyes, and a thunderous desire to eliminate his sight in general. But closing his eyes only made the stinging sensation worse, as his mind wandered despite his eyes being opened.

He felt himself wandering, hoping that his feet would lead him somewhere important, somewhere that would offer some sort of truth like one would find in a key scene in a book or story. But he found himself only feeling foolish, as no step brought him any closer to the truth, no step bringing him any closer to the lie. He lay somewhere in the middle, in limbo with the numb. By the time he went to turn around he could feel his skin growing hot and achy, and the sun had dipped much further in the sky.

He reached the house as the sky was changing in color, and a deep thirst hung in his throat. He entered inside, trying hard to act as plain as he could, only managing to make his movements feel even more forced then they already were. Then he went to the table and quickly gulped down the cup of water that had remained there. There at the table sat Maddie, her eyes trying very hard to not focus on him, but failing completely.

He looked back at her, and at once found himself overwhelmed. The look of her eyes and the slump in her shoulders, that tired look that she seemed to be carrying at all times now. It was so similar to his own, too close to be comfortable. She had been cleaning. But he knew that all it was was a ruse just as much as his own process was a ruse. At once he longed for the distractions, but seeing her here now, with the drink gone and his mind finding purchase on another person, he could not find himself able to pull away, to run down the rabbit hole and hide.

His mind burned and his heart ached as he looked at her, so full of mixed feelings that he could not find a single one to focus on. She looked up at him, her own eyes red and her mouth pursed in a frown that was on the verge of revealing for more than it wished to. In that moment they both saw each other exactly where they were, their sins and failings rising to the surface on full display. And for the first time in six months, since his world had become so much harder and his emotions had required dulling, he walked over and held her head against his abdomen, listening at first to the gasp of surprise, ending at last in a series of sobs that grew and grew until his shirt was wet and his own eyes were full of tears.

“I'm so sorry Maddie,” he said, his voice trembling.

“Jack I'm...I...its been so...I...” her voice could barely articulate as she tried to draw breathe during the brief moments between the retching sobs.

That's when the dam broke. Six months of exile and pain erupted to the surface and Jack said the first honest thing that came to his mind.

“I miss her so much,” he said in a broken whimper. “I just wanted her to live.”

And with that admission they both broke down completely, their cries indistinguishable from one another, their spirits broken completely. In each others arms they refused to part, even as the sun continued to run low, and the Arizona sky yawned and opened up on the edge of the quickly cooling night.

It was well past seven by the time they had finished talking, their minds and bodies full of ache. They both found little excuse as they headed to the bedroom, ignoring the nagging need for food, walking past the cat which lay sleeping on the readily made bed extending from the couch, and fell into the first true sleep either of them had had in months.