Building 8 “A New Beginning”

“Dad...” he asked in a dull tone.

“Yes son.”

He looked around, lifting his hands almost in a shrug, his eyes red. “I could have been alright...right? I mean...I could have been different. Things could have turned out differently.”

“I don't know son” his father responded, his lips pressed back in a grimace as he looked over the room again.

Then, without hesitating further, he left through the open door, leaving behind the monster in the room, sitting just in front of the greenest pine tree he had ever seen, the carpet pooling with blood. As he closed the door, the man

looked upon what was left of his family, upon what he had done to all of them, and realized something truly terrible. As the window lit up with the intermittent glow of red and blue, and the sound of sirens, he knew it was all over.

In the end, he really was just a very, very bad man.

Lately, I've been having a recurring nightmare. I try not to think about it too much, though with dreams like that, it is really hard not to. It messes up my entire day sometimes, and has left me feeling sick all the time. I try to explain it to my wife, but there are details I have to leave out to save her from looking at me differently.

I'm beginning to look at myself differently.

We moved in a couple of weeks ago, and things have been good for the most part, other than the dream. I'm tired obviously, but despite how I have been feeling lately, this seems like a good start to me. Margret and I, we have had our problems, but that is past us. I know that. And I really honestly couldn't be happier.

But these dreams. They really mess me up, but I found out that it isn't really all that uncommon around here. Lots of the locals say that they have bad dreams. They say that it is just something about this place, its history and the way it looks at night that messes with you sometimes. But it gets better, they said.

I have begun working in a local place, a small res-taurant across from the theater. It is a nice place. Good work for me to dip my feet into. It has its high and low periods, which I guess kind of fits my style a bit. The people are nice enough, and Margret makes more than enough money for the both of us. People sometimes think it is bad of me to depend on her. That I should make something of myself.

I can't say I blame them. It doesn't take much to make you start feeling bad when you have a lot to feel bad about. It is why I am doing all of this.

Because I want to be better.

I have been seeing this doctor. He is a good guy. Says that we are starting to make some real progress. I know he is court ordered, but I think I will keep seeing him even after the number of sessions are done.

He is the only one in a long time, outside of Margret, who knows me. I mean, that doesn't think I am an awful person; someone who thinks I can change.

I don't know why I am choosing to put this down. Partially it is because it has been encouraged by the doctor to try and get all these feelings out. He says writing can do that.

I will spare you the full details. I don't think you would want to hear all of them. Well, not right away anyway. You don't really know me yet, so I don't think it will be easy for you to understand. Honestly, sometimes...I don't understand either.

I have to say it is beautiful around here. The leaves, you just don't see stuff like that where I grew up. Everything is so old. It almost makes you feel like you are back in one of those old neighborhoods, bars and all. There’s a lot of kids running around too. Makes we...I wonder if maybe...I don't know. I talked to her about it, but she says that we should give it time. Settle in first.

I am going to try and write as often as I can manage. Doctor says it is a good thing, but I really haven't done this before. Writing really isn't my thing in the first place.

I envy those who find it easy.

I feel awful today, but maybe things will be better, now that I am writing it down. This is a very strange place, but I think that maybe this will be enough of something good to make it a home for her and I. My stomach is all in knots, and I woke up with a metallic feel in the back of my throat.

Weird.