Building 34 “The Cirlces”

“I have been told many times that my face would get me into trouble. When my father said this to me, he was trying to tell me that I am too...friendly I suppose. It was an overreaction, which was followed by another overreaction. And that may be the source of it, but that isn't all of it.

I take pictures when I am feeling better, when I feel confident enough to reach out and find some recognition. But lately things haven't been like that, and I am thinking that there may be something wrong with me. At first I thought I was sad, but that wasn't it at all. I simply, somehow, don't see what other people see.

Every time I go to post a picture, when I try to share it, the photo distorts, softening and blurring until all that you can make out is an abstraction, an absolute re rendering of a human form, leaving just a series of circles, fading into one another, with a circle settled in the center the color of human skin.

My hair is black, and it frames my face in these photos, leaving it looking like a posing doll or something like that. And I try to show it to people, and they tell me it is weird, and their reactions seem genuine, but there is disbelief under all of it. I can tell. They don't see the circles.

They think I am crazy. And the thing is, I probably am.

But so are the circles.

The circles are driving me mad.

I don't understand why this has happened. I have crossed no line, made no enemy. And most of all, I have done well to give these things that reside around here the proper honor they deserve. And that is what I am supposed to do, because daddy told me that my face was going to get me into trouble, and the best way to stay out of trouble is to surround yourself with the right things.

The right...people.

They look like people.

But they aren't are they? I can tell by the way their face becomes a hollow spill of oil, a softening of the forms of the face, but without a camera to render it. They are the only ones that are like this.

They are the only ones that look like me.

At first I had thought that the

Circles.

They have to be a gift. That is the only explanation, because otherwise there is no explanation and I need an explanation. And if it isn't a present, than the truth is bad. I was bad, just like he said that I would be. I was bad because I sometimes feel better and I let my face take the lead. I let my face rule the coup, and I let the world see. See. Ssseee. See?

And there is a price for that.

Or there is a token for that. It is something that they give you when you are good and you are scared just like they want you to be, and when you are like that you get them to protect you when you need them most. It wasn't supposed to happen like that.

The first time.

I was just walking home, drunk from a party. It wasn't a long walk. I know it wasn't a long walk, but I guess it was long enough for someone to notice that they had time. But by the time I knew it was too late...

It seemed too late.

I was so scared, like they want you to be. I was good and scared and it was Halloween and that meant that I can scream. Screaming is okay on Halloween, even when we are told specifically not to do it. And I did. And I did. And it was foul. The rag was foul. And I forgot to breathe. I couldn't breathe. I was trying, but I just couldn't figure it out.

They were trying to show me how. I think. It didn't make sense. It was so long. I couldn't breathe and he seemed soooo....

He was scared too.

He was scared too.

They came for him, because they knew something that I didn't. And when they were done with him he was nothing but circles. Circles of red with a human colored circle in the middle. And it was so delightful and I had to laugh. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop laughing. I can't stop laughing. They saw the truth. They saw the circles. And so should you.

And so should I.

I see the circles when I look up at the sky. When I am trying to forget.

Forget.

There are circles on the moon, every single one from an impact, a spot where it took a hit so that we wouldn't have to. It took the damage, and it doesn't complain, because it isn't a man on the moon. It is a woman. A woman is on the moon, and she is such a very good child. She makes them all so very proud.

I make them all so very proud.

My circles. They call the circles. They call them mom and dad, but how can they be mom and dad if they are nothing but circles?

And they are so special to me, in a way that I cannot understand and I cannot remember. There was a spot, a space inside me where I used to be able to go to whenever I feel small and whenever I want to run away. But it isn't safe there for me anymore. It just isn't, and they told me that. They told me that they saw me falling in, when I needed to be falling out.

And they stabbed the man...

I stabbed the man.

He was circles.

I look in the mirror and I am circles.

A Cilce. I am cilce.

And a cilce is ever so good even when they are being ever so bad.

And I am a circle.

With a flesh covered sphere. In the middle. My face is there.

Where it should be.

It isn't.

Not for me.

Because my face got me in trouble.

My face can't get me in trouble anymore.”

She could tell that I was tired. I am tried of people seeing that in me, but what can I do? I said we had to be honest with one another, and those of us who dream, or who try to fight against the dreams...

How could I manage to be anything other than tired?

The woman above had come to Ariana personally. She knew she was a cop, and some part of her felt like she could help. But by the time the recording had started, her mind was starting to fall away again, and what was left was what was what shared.

She said the woman was going to be sent away to get some treatment. There had been signs of abuse, so it was determined that protective services will get involved. Last she heard, the woman's parents were getting divorced.

Everything is splitting apart.

I asked Ariana why she shared it with me. It was a strange thing to tell me about, even if we are openly communicating. The time during which I would help her out with information for a file, or where she would be able to fill in some holes in stories for cold case...those times are gone. We don't have time for that anymore.

She said that she related to what the girl was going through. She said that she has been seeing eyes whenever she looks in the mirror. Eyes on oil. That is what she sees.

I don't know how I held it together. I really don't. There are so few of us left, and so few places left to go for help. But I stayed calm, even when I noticed that her fingers were pruney.

She said that she has been falling asleep a lot. At first it was simply a sort of dozing while showering, a fading that ended when she was turning off the water. It is easy to write off something like that. It is an automated response, the same way you can end up making it home from work but forget the whole trip. Your mind simply gets used to things.

But she soon started waking up at the bottom of the tub, the water running cold. She went and saw a doctor and they scanned her brain. She has the same issues I do. Errors with focus and memory. She was told that it was nothing to worry about, that she needed more sleep. She was assigned a medicine, and she says it helps.

But now she takes baths. She only takes baths. Because of the medicine, she doesn't fall asleep, so instead she simply sits in the water, just below the surface, just enough above to allow her to breathe. She said that it has become comforting, though she loses track of time.

Then she leaves the bath, and when she does, she looks in the mirror and all she can see are eyes.

They are calling her.

It is calling her.

I think I may have to move in with her. At least for the time being. We cannot be separated anymore. We cannot have things stay in the dark.

Gods Love, I wish you were here.

I wish you were here.

I haven't worked up to asking my dad about the note. Some part of me wants to be sure before I talk to him. I don't want to give him any room to talk his way out of it.

I have a plan. I don't know how it is going to turn out, but I should be okay.

I'll let you know about the living situation. I'll have to talk to my dad about that at least.

I love you.

Please stay safe.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Try not to dream.